How You Can Best Support Your Child With Their Emotions
Written by Ali Green
Although children’s bodies may be small, the same cannot be said for their emotional reactions. We all hhave emotions, and everything we do and learn is shaped by the way we feel. Obviously, kids are still learning how to handle these feelings, so we should not expect a 3 year old to handle their emotions the same as a 30 year old. But that does not mean that the children cannot improve. They just need our help. How do children learn about their emotions? What can a parent do when a child explodes in anger or in fear? Taking time to help children learn to understand their feelings is extremely important.
Types of Parenting
There are four identified types of parenting styles. The first, The Dismissing Parent, disengages all negative emotions, and feels that emotions are toxic. This often results in children believing that there is something wrong with them. The second type, The Disapproving Parent, is even more negative and judgemental, and is only concerned with discipline and unconcerned with the child’s emotion. This child as well believes that there is something wrong with them. The third type, The Laissez-Faire Parent, is permissive and does not offer help with problem solving or understanding emotions, and encourages “riding out” the emotions until they are done. This leads to the child not being able to get along with others, or control their emotions in a healthy way. The fourth and last type of parenting is The Emotion Coach.
The Emotion Coach
Emotion coaching is a parenting technique that helps children understand their emotions. In emotion coaching, “parents teach children how to mindfully recognize their own emotions and the emotions of others, and use appropriate strategies to cope” (1). When children learn how to deal with their feelings in a healthy way, they develop the skills to function in this stressful world. They become more confident, perform better in social and academic situations, and even have better physical health. Researchers have also found that children who experience emotion coaching are at lower risk for “youth violence, antisocial behavior, drug addiction, premature sexual activity, and adolescent suicide” (3).
The Five Essential Steps of Emotion Coaching
The five essential steps of emotion coaching consist of: being aware of your child’s emotions, recognizing your child’s expression of emotion as a perfect moment for intimacy and teaching, listen with empathy and validate your child’s feelings, help your child learn to label their emotions with words, and set limits when you are helping your child to solve problems or deal with upsetting situations appropriately (2).
Step 1 of Emotion Coaching: Be Aware of Emotions
It is important to tune into your child’s feelings, but you must first understand your own approach to emotions. Then, observe, listen, and learn how your child expresses different emotions. Watch for changes in facial expression, posture, tone of voice, and body language.
Step 2 of Emotion Coaching: Connect with your Child
Use emotional moments as an opportunity to connect with your child. See these emotional moments as opportunities for teaching, and encourage your child to talk about these emotions. Provide guidance on how to problem solve versus avoiding the feelings.
Step 3 of Emotion Coaching: Listen to your Child
Respect your child’s feelings by taking their emotions seriously. Show your child that you understand how they are feeling, and avoid judging or invalidating them. Empathic listening is important, by putting yourself in the child’s shoes to fully understand how they are feeling.
Step 4 of Emotion Coaching: Name Emotions
It is important to help your child name and identify their emotions instead of directly telling them yourself how they should feel. Help your child build their vocabulary for different feelings, and even tell them how you are feeling.
Step 5 of Emotion Coaching: Problem Solving
Explore solutions to problems together by redirecting children for their behaviors but not their feelings. Encourage emotional expression but set limits on inappropriate behavior. Help the child think through possible solutions, and even try to make the tasks as fun as possible.
Conclusion
Emotion coaching can take some time. It is important to be patient with yourself, and your child. Emotions are not dangerous. The only way to resolve emotions is to first recognize and understand them. Using these techniques to teach your child a healthy approach to regulating their emotions will help your child develop into a well adjusted teenager and help you become a happy parent!
References
1 - Li, Pamela. “Emotion Coaching: Help Kids Develop Self-Regulation.” Parenting For Brain, 8 Oct. 2022, https://www.parentingforbrain.com/emotion-coaching-parents/.
2- Lisitsa, Ellie. “An Introduction to Emotion Coaching.” The Gottman Institute, Https://Www.gottman.com Learn How to Help Your Children Navigate Their Feelings through Being an Emotion Coaching Parent., 3 Nov. 2020, https://www.gottman.com/blog/an-introduction-to-emotion-coaching/.
3- “Emotion Coaching: Helping Parents Bring out the Best in Their Kids.” Relationships Australia NSW, 20 Feb. 2023, https://www.relationshipsnsw.org.au/blog/emotion-coaching-for-parents/.